Should I Work For This Nut? Dear Those Advice Guys: I’m a sales manager who’s had this guy—I’ll
call him Ralph—as a client for 3 years. Ralph’s always been good to deal with, and we get along well. Recently,
he offered me the job of VP of sales at his company. Ralph invited to his country club to discuss the job over a round of
golf. But as we played the 18 holes, I couldn’t believe it! He went nuts! Bad drives made him violently angry! When
his ball went into a bunker, he actually broke the club! I’d never seen Ralph like this. Now I’m worried about
taking the job. What should I do?Sam Augusta, GA Those Advice Guys Say:Don’t take the job! You know that. Everybody agrees—the golf course tells you all you need to know
about a person. How they handle pressure. How they handle mistakes. How they handle disappointment. How they handle
being out in public in truly stupid pants. And how likely they are to cheat. (Because you definitely don’t want
to work for a cheater!) If someone breaks a golf club over a bunker shot, what do you think the odds are he’ll
break a Vice President over a bad quarter? No. Don’t take the job! Let him down easy. Tell him your company
gave you a huge raise, but more importantly, you can’t leave your current staff and clients because you know they wouldn’t
do as well without you. Obviously, the idea
is to keep him as a client. But avoid having him as a boss…and golf partner!
Loud-Mouth
Dad Dear Those Advice Guys:My son is a running back on the
high school football team and during a game whenever he makes a bad play, the father of one of the other players on our team
gets up in the stands and starts yelling at my son! He shouts at him, telling my boy that he’s soft and slow and can’t
take a hit. I want to beat the crap out the a-hole, but so far my wife has been able to restrain me. What should I do?One Angry DadKnoxville, TN Those Advice Guys say:Yeah, we’d like to beat the crap out of him, too, but that will just make things worse.
Your wife is right. Bide your time. The other father has made a public jerk out of himself. If you retaliate, you look
like a jerk, too. If this is a first-time incident, let it go. Your son is learning one of life’s bitter lessons:
When you perform anything in front of other people, sooner or later, you’re going to get boo-ed. Not only is that true
with sports, it’s true at work, too. When you stumble many of your fellow employees will be quick to reach for the knives—behind
your back, of course. If you learn this hard lesson when you’re young, that’s a terrific advantage. But if this goes
on for more than a game or two, report the bad dad to security. If security can’t or won’t help,
complain to the coach. If that fails, take it to your school board, and in particular, the board’s lawyer. But
whatever you do, don’t confront that loudmouth directly.
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Spouse Trouble Dear Those Advice Guys: I own a small business, and last weekend,
I gave a party for all of my employees and their spouses. My top salesman’s wife barely said hello and wouldn’t
even look at me. She seemed not just cold, but hostile. It ruined the whole party for me. Your advice, please. Chilly Milwaukee, WI Those
Advice Guys Say: What are you the Master of Ceremonies? So what if the wife doesn’t like you? Actually,
it makes a lot of sense that she’s hostile. Think of this—every time her husband comes home late or has to work
weekends, or has to go on a business trip during their anniversary, who gets blamed? Not him. You. Every time she complains
that he isn’t paid enough, who get blamed? That’s right—You. Clearly, your top salesperson has been doing a great
job of selling to his wife that the problem at work is you. And that’s fine. Take it. Accept it. It goes with the territory
of being The Owner. The Boss.
Change or R.I.P.
Dear Those Advice Guys:Like everything else, the industry I’m in is changing rapidly, and I work very
hard to make sure my business keeps up with it. The problem is my staff. They refuse to change. Most of them have been with
me for at least 10 years, and every time I try to change something, they resist. I tell them it’s ‘adapt or die,’
but they don’t believe me. Don’t say I should fire them all. I don’t have the heart, or the cash for severance.Roger Jacksonville,
FL
Those Advice Guys say: You don’t have to fire them. But you have to change them. The first thing to understand
is that for a lot of people, change is like grief—the death of what they knew before. That means they have to go through
the stages of grief: everything from “denial” to “anger” to “depression” to “acceptance.”
It sounds to us like your staff is still in denial. The key is to speed up the process. First, make it clear that
change is not going away—neither are you. And that change is exciting, invigorating, and good for them. You’ll
have to be a bit understanding. But at the same time, you have a business to run. And you can’t be too understanding.
So be prepared to cajole them, flatter them…and hit them over the head with change.
They’re grieving, but the goal is to get them to the stage of “acceptance”—even enthusiasm—as
quickly as possible. In our experience, if you don’t do anything, it never will happen. But if you work hard for change,
in 60 to 90 days you can achieve miracles. My Boss The Bully Dear Those Advice Guys: I’m a middle manager and my top boss is constantly trying to prove what a
big dog he is. In every
meeting he feels compelled to assert his authority by demeaning everyone around him. If
you crack a joke, he has to one-up you. If you wear a tie, he rips you for being
uptight. If he wears a tie, you have to compliment him for his fine fashion sense. If
you bring in a million dollars, he’ll pound the table and demand a reason why you didn’t bring in a half-million
more. No matter how good a job you do, he has to tear it--and you--apart. What
a prick! My question: If I shoot the guy, will the judge only convict me of justifiable homicide?Mike in the MiddleColumbus, OhioThose Advice Guys Say:We’re
not sure shooting is a good option. After all, it’s so… loud and messy. And you might hurt yourself—just
ask Plaxico Burress. We had a friend who was in the Army and he told us a story about how to survive an inspection.
No matter how hard the guys in the platoon cleaned and cared for their weapons and gear, their sergeant would always find
something wrong. Our friend decided their was no escape from this, so instead of working himself into a frenzy trying
to get everything ship-shape, he purposely left something amiss, something that was obvious and easy to fix, such as a boot
that wasn’t lined up properly. Later, after he'd been chewed out by his sergeant for being a stupid, lazy, lame-ass,
worthless piece of crap for failing inspection, he’d simply reach down and put his boot in its rightful place. Meanwhile,
all his buddies were getting ready to spend a good chunk of the rest of their day cleaning, tearing apart their beds, and
dumping out their footlockers. Our friend? His work was done--he was free to go. The point is, if your boss is hellbent on tearing you down, throw
him something obvious so he can move on and take his wrath out on someone else. For example, go ahead and make a small joke,
so small that he can easily one-up it, and laugh real hard, making sure you tell him that he should be hosting The Tonight
Show. Your work is done. Remember: No matter how painful, you must please
the boss. But you do
have some choice as to how to do it.
Not
Working, But Working Out Dear Those Advice Guys:
A few weeks ago I was laid off. And despite mailing and e-mailing
countless resumes and calling everyone I know for help, nothing has happened. I can’t even get an interview. I’m
losing hope and feeling pathetic. I’m worried, I toss and turn all night, and I’m getting depressed. Now what?Sleepless in ClevelandThose Advice Guys Say:Your letter brings up several subjects that are troubling all of us these days, but
let’s first talk about you and your personal well-being.
Before you do anything else, before you can be anything else, you must first and foremost feel good about yourself. You’re
understandably depressed and losing hope, but you can’t let yourself go down that road. The best way to fight your way
out of that downward spiral is to find ways to improve yourself. And the single best way we know of is to join a gym
and work out as often as possible. Look, if you exercise religiously you’ll get stronger, faster, and thinner.
It'll do wonders for your self-esteem.
You'll feel back in control of your life. You’ll stand taller, straighter, and be more focused, and frankly, when that
interview comes—and it will—you’ll be a much more attractive candidate. They can’t admit this, of
course, but bosses always prefer hiring healthy people for all the obvious reasons. Whether it's running, weightlifting, Stairmaster...whatever...make sure
you do it regularly, even daily. And start your work-out early in the day. Here’s why: A lot of people go to the
gym in the morning before work. Smile and get to know these people. It doesn’t matter what kind of exercise you do,
or what you look like, or how well you perform athletically. What does matter is your diligence. What you want to prove
to them, and yourself, is that you can stick to an assignment even when it hurts. And a lot of these people have the power--or connections--to get you hired.
Mother-In-Law Of All Porn Dear Those Advice Guys,My wife’s mother has moved in with
us, and it’s bad enough that she’s prim, proper, self-righteous, and criticizes everything we do—what we
eat, how we keep the house, how we discipline the kids. But that’s not the
real problem. This
old woman is crazy for porn on the internet. And I mean harder than hard-core. I didn’t know you could do some of the
stuff she looks at on the family computer. I caught her one time and she pretended nothing was wrong. When I told my wife
she didn’t believe me. She said I was the one who’d been on those X-rated sites. I need to do something about this old pervert and save my reputation.Mike in
SpokaneThose Advice Guys Say:So that’s the hot single in our area. Hey, be thankful she’s going on the internet and hasn’t been doing all this on the phone.
Imagine her calling 1-900 numbers? And with the way old people shout on the phone: “What am I wearing? I’m
naked, dammit! I’m not even wearing my Depends…or my teeth.” No, seriously, the
first thing you must do is get her off the family computer. Our advice: Get her a netbook. Her very own little computer. These
aren't full-fledged laptops. Instead, a netbook is no bigger than a hardcover book. But most have an almost full-sized keyboard,
and typically a 10” screen. That’s plenty unless she needs the Large Type Edition of Hustler. And the cost
is far less than a typical laptop. Figure in the $300-$400 range. We bought a Samsung NC-10 and it's a delight. Fast,
clear, and runs on its built-in battery for several hours. HP, Dell, Asus, and others make them, too. You can hook it up to
your internet connection with an Ethernet cable, or let her go wireless. A simple wireless router is $50 or so. So figure
for $400 you’ve got your mother-in-law totally occupied. And you can get back to using the
computer for what it’s really meant for—watching YouTube.
Shut Up! Dear
Those Advice Guys, I
work with a woman who is nice enough, but I absolutely hate her voice. Her New York accent is driving me crazy. “Lawn”
instead of “long.” “Cawfee” instead of “coffee,” and “Toidy” instead of “thirty.”
It’s all like fingernails on a chalkboard. Trouble is, our desks face each other and we are the company’s entire Accounts
Receivable Department.
I’ve tried to avoid talking by sending her e-mails, instant messages, and handwritten notes.
But she always responds by speaking to me in that accent from hell. Headset
or earphones? Forget it! They are against company policy.
Help!!!! Floyd in Orlando Those Advice Guys Say:
Have you thought of a
muzzle? No, wait, if you can’t wear
headphones, strapping her jaw shut probably isn’t allowed, either. You could drop a subtle hint like giving her a DVD of “My Fair Lady,” and spend
your day humming like Professor Henry Higgins, “The Rain in Spain Falls Mainly on the Plain.” Another idea is to tell her that Accounts Receivable is being outsourced to India,
and in preparation we all have to speak like Apu at the Quik-E-Mart on “The Simpsons.” And Floyd, since you’re n Orlando, you might find it interesting to know that
in Disney World, the “fully costumed characters” (such as Mickey, Goofy, and the Dwarfs) aren’t
allowed to speak. So you could suggest that at least one day a week she pretend she’s working at Disney. Of course, maybe there isn’t much you can do. After all, her condition must be covered by a federal law.
The Americans with Distinct Accents Act or something. Frankly, we think that any solution isn’t worth
the price. What are you REALLY gonna do? Tell her to shut up? Quit your job? Get a transfer? Shoot her? Tell her you’ve
gone deaf?None of that is realistic. Our advice: Suck it up, get used to it, and remember, there’s
a reason work is called “woik.”
Escape From Jury Duty Dear Those Advice Guys, I’m going through a very tough time at work.
My boss is really on me and layoffs are coming.
Now I’ve been called for jury duty. Don’t tell me to get a postponement. I’ve put it off several times in
the past couple years, and they tell me my excuses are used up. But I’m scared to death of being away from work. Can you get me out of jury duty….just this once…honest!!! James New York, New York
Those Advice Guys Say: Well, they can’t fire you for
being on jury duty. But that legal nicety won’t help much when layoffs come. And while it is your civic duty, keeping bread on the table and $100 sneakers on the kids’ feet might be
a higher calling. So how do you get out of jury duty?
The best way is to be honest and make the lawyers on both sides reject you. For example, John was called to be on the jury of a civil case where a woman was suing because she had been the
passenger in a fender-bender. "They asked
me what I thought," John recalls. "I said I was in a plane crash and I didn’t sue, and I didn’t know
what this country was coming to. Seemed like we’re all becoming a bunch of lawsuit-happy whiners who hope to live off
structured settlements and…." Well, the lawyers on both sides shut him up and practically escorted him out the
courthouse door. On a criminal case, an offbeat--and riskier—gambit is to bring up the issue of “jury
nullification.” That is, say you’ll hand down a “not guilty” verdict not because you think the defendant
didn’t do the crime, but because you don’t like some aspect of the law he’s being tried for.
Most judges will
say you’re a nut and get rid of you. But other judges might think you’re a pain in the ass and throw you
in jail for contempt. Your call.
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Firing Line I recently bought a business, and some of my employees have unique skills. They hold their very specialized
knowledge over me, and do pretty much as they want, since they know I can’t fire them. Help! What can I do?SamSan Jose, CA Those
Advice Guys Say: You have to make it clear to your
staff that they are replaceable. To do that, you will have to fire one of them. There’s really no other choice. We’ve
been in the position where we had “irreplaceable” staff members. And when their behavior got out of hand, you
know what we did? We replaced them. Here’s
what you do: The first one who doesn’t obey
orders, or says “no” to something you request, you fire for insubordination. Boom! That person is gone. Then immediately
you call all of the other staff members together and tell them what happened—this person was fired for insubordination,
and clearly that’s not acceptable behavior. Like magic, they will all behave properly. As for replacing this “irreplaceable” person, don’t worry. You
will (if you really need to). Especially in this economy. Heck, even the President of the United States has backup. Okay,
it's only "Crazy Joe" Biden, but it's still backup.
Follow That Ass! Dear Those Advice Guys, My husband is a very good father, a solid provider, and—as far as I can tell—a
faithful spouse. But he has one habit that's
driving me crazy: whenever a woman passes by, he checks out her ass. He says he’s not. But I know he is, with his head
swiveling like he’s watching a tennis match. How can I break him of
this habit? Or should I just learn to suffer with it? Frustrated in
D.C. Those Advice Guys Say:Well, Mrs. Clinton, sounds like this one needs further taming. …or gelding. Many veterinarians can perform
the procedure (if you threaten their lives or get them really drunk).
You also could tell your husband that you find his behavior very offensive, insensitive, and it makes
you—and your ass—feel inadequate.
Not that it will work, but we felt we should recommend it.
Right-Leaning Cubicle Dear
Those Advice Guys:I am a right-thinking American and
a real Ditto-Head. At work, my cubicle is decorated with pictures of Rush, Mark, and Glenn. I've also hung big signs quoting
their wit, wisdom, and brilliance. And the way my cubicle is positioned, almost everybody in the office sees it all day long.
My boss doesn’t care. My lefty co-workers are grumpy. My wife says it’s too much. What do you think?Jerryin Ann Arbor Those Advice Guys Say: Jerry, you might be right-thinking when it comes to politics.
But not when it comes to work. Your cubicle is a workspace, not a shrine to your beliefs. If your boss had any sense—and your wife seems to--you
would have been told to cut it out a long time ago. Whether your co-workers love it or hate it, this kind of stuff distracts everybody from the #1 mission
of work—keeping America’s economic machine running as smoothly as possible. Fight for the causes you believe in on your time. Not on your
employer’s. Our advice:
Put up photos of your dog. Of your vacation with your family. Of your
kids playing baseball. And we assume they’re all right-handers.
Smartest Kid In The Class Dear Those Advice Guys:There’s a guy who works for me who’s a know-it-all. He’s one of those guys
who was probably the smartest kid in the class in school, you know what I mean? True, he’s a valuable employee, he does
his job and does it well. But the problem is that he finds a million little ways to undercut my authority. So okay, I admit
it: I’m not as smart as he is--apparently no one is, according to him. Should I care? Is this a problem that needs to
be nipped in the bud? What do you think?Manny Manhattan, NYThose Advice Guys Say:First, we're
glad you admit that you’re not as smart as this guy. It’s important that you don’t try to compete with him.
That will only undermine your authority. Remember, he might have the brains, but you have the authority. And authority is
what counts in the workplace. You handle him—as
well as the rest of your staff—by simply admitting that he’s the smart guy. You express your thanks and set him
to his tasks—and you move on; after all, you have other problems, more important matters that demand your attention. Still, the real question here is how valuable is this guy to you, because
yes, you may have a problem brewing here that needs to be handled before it gets worse. Frankly, if his continual sniping
doesn’t let up, if he simply can’t accept the fact that you are the boss, he’s got to go—no matter
how valuable he is, or thinks he is. One of
the fundamental tenets of Those Advice Guys is this: “No one is irreplaceable.” That said, there may be one other option you might consider, if it’s within
your company’s policy, and that is to have the guy work from home instead of the office. That way, you get to keep his
services, and you also get to keep him far enough away so that he can't damage you and your staff.
Brett vs. Bucks
Dear Those Advice
Guys:How can we get Brett Favre to retire? His
inevitable humiliation is our humiliation. This has to stop!Charles
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Those
Advice Guys Say: This letter could only come from a Green Bay Packers fan. Our advice: Give it up. Personally, we're not humiliated by whatever Brett Favre does.
And you shouldn't be, either. (Joe Biden, on the other hand, is humiliating on so many levels
that your pocket calculator will explode trying to count them.) Whether Favre
plays or doesn't plays, what business is it of ours? And pay particular attention to that word, "business." That's what this is all about. Or we should say, that's what this question should be about. Because the real question here: Does it make financial sense? Or not? Does the team profit if they hire Favre? Do they think more wins means more seats sold? More
jerseys sold? More fans glued to the TV watching 400 commercials? If so, fine. The bottom line: Favre doesn't need to apologize to anyone for taking a job someone is willing to pay him
millions of dollars for. If Packer Nation feels humiliated by Favre's choices, it says more
about Packer Nation's wounded ego than it does about Brett Favre.
Escape From Contractor Hell Dear
Those Advice Guys: A
few months ago I hired a contractor to re-do our kitchen. He came by twice, ripped the whole place up, and I gave him $3,000.
Now I haven’t heard from him for weeks, and he won’t return my calls. Fortunately, we can still cook and wash the dishes.
What should I do? Dave Point Pleasant, New Jersey Those Advice Guys Say:Sounds
like you have a bad case CONTRACTOREA. A very common disease. So many contractors spread it—they start the job, get
a few bucks, and never come back. They’d actually make more money if they did the work. But their attention span is way too short. It's totally
unreasonable. And there’s no way to reason with someone who spreads CONTRACTOREA. So you have to get tough. And serious.
Forget calling him. You’ve done that enough. And don’t bother with a letter from a lawyer. That will just cost you more money. No. File a complaint
with your local consumer affairs department. The city or county usually has one. And they typically are quite good at scaring
the hell out of contractors. The Better Business Bureau is good, too. Even if the contractor isn’t a member, the BBB
can rattle his cage. We're huge fans of the Better Business Bureau—they’ve worked magic for us. If that doesn’t
work, file a criminal complaint with the district attorney. These guys are very afraid of the law. Yeah, a lot of people would say you should
sue in civil court. But what good is a lien on a guy who is never got to pay up? Scare him with jail. That should get you at least
some of your $3,000 back.
Don't--under any circumstances--let this idiot back into your house. See what money you can get, and chalk the loss up to
an education.
Next time, find someone who is recommended as a contractor who will come back. And see his work before you give 'em the job.
Big Fat Attack
Dear Those Advice Guys, My wife and I have been married for 5 years. Recently, she started
getting fat. Not just plump, but scary, eating-all–the-time, health-endangering fat. Whenever I ask her if something is wrong, she snaps at me, and says what makes me say that? Help!!! Frank Newington, Connecticut Those Advice Guys Say: Sounds like you need professional help. A psychiatrist,
perhaps? Sure. But maybe a dirigible pilot,
too.
Well, the first step should be to sit down with your wife (not at a buffet!), and ask her gently, kindly, if anything is wrong?
Say you think her body has changed recently, and that you are concerned about her, and that she might be endangering her health.
Don’t use words like FAT, or WEIGHT, or make mooing sounds.
If that doesn’t work, get her to her doctor, pronto. And at least start asking around for some recommendations on dirigible pilots.
401K...R.I.P.
Dear Those Advice Guys: The company I work for recently announced that they will no longer match our 401k contributions.
While it lasted, it was a nice few thousand a year.
What can I do until they start matching my contributions again? Jack Brooklyn, New York Those Advice Guys Say: Start making contributions again?!?!?
We love capitalism, but unless the federal government hits employers with a mandate, don’t expect that to happen.
No, retirement is increasingly becoming a “take care of yourself” issue. If you want to avoid spending your golden
years working at the Golden Arches, you’d better start saving as much as you can.
Our advice: Max out your annual contribution. For 2009, it's $16,500. If you’re 50+, you can add $5,500 to that. IRAs? The contribution limit is $5,000 a year, with those 50+ allowed to add another
grand.
The Boss In The Band Dear Those Advice Guys: My boyfriend’s
boss is in a rock band. Recently, they started playing every weekend at a local club. As you can imagine, my boyfriend’s
boss is very proud, and everybody at work talks about his gigs. My boyfriend, however, won’t go see his boss perform.
He says he doesn’t like that kind of music. I say, forget the music—he’s your boss! What do you guys say? Linda Decatur, Indiana
Those Advice Guys Say:Sounds
like your boyfriend could soon be singing “The Unemployed Blues.” (“I ain’t got no job. My baby’s
got no shoes. I wouldn’t see old boss play, and I got no excuse…”) Your boyfriend is violating Rule #1 of Work: Make your boss happy. Usually
that’s by doing a good job. And being reliable. And showing up for work. But often, that also means listening to your
boss's stories, admiring the beauty/intelligence/talent of the appropriate spouse, offspring, bass fishing boat, or professional
hockey team. And yes, sometimes it means going to a band performance. In our careers, we’ve done it all. 40th Birthday parties. Summer jobs for friends of the boss’s
kids. Sympathy notes when the boss’ dog died. Really.
It’s not sucking up. It’s good manners. A sign of respect. Just common sense! It should be a basic job skill.
Or at least a survival instinct. But clearly, your boyfriend doesn’t have it. Too bad. Remember, if the boss
ain’t happy, you ain’t happy. Our advice: Don't count on
this boyfriend as a breadwinner.
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