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Advice Lists

We Fix America...One Tip At A Time

5 Things To Never Feed Your Dog

(Or even your neighbor's dog)

1. Alcohol. Hooch can kill your pooch. Honest. So keep the opener out of Rover's reach.

2. Mushrooms. Packing toxins for stomach distress, liver/kidney damage, and yes, death.

3. Grapes and Raisins. More toxins for liver damage or even Fluffy's funeral.

4. Chocolate. You've heard this, and it's true. One pound can kill a 16-pound pet. Princess devoured your Kisses? Get to the vet pronto!

5. Tobacco. Eating, not smoking. Nicotine damages Checkers' the nervous system and accelerates heart rate. Coma, even Checkers R.I.P., can result.

5 Ways To Say “I Love You”

(On The Cheap)

Yeah, we know she loves you for you—not for what you can buy her. But it couldn’t hurt to get a little lavish. Or at least appear to. Here are 5 ways make her think you’re a penthouse lover, even if you're really a bargain-basement cheapskate.

1. Pour some bubbly. Not champagne, of course. Cold duck. This sparkling wine is just a few bucks a bottle. And if you wrap a linen napkin around the bottle, she’ll never know. Just remember to use champagne glasses, not paper cups.

2. Diamonds are forever. But the payments on real stones can last forever, too. Instead, get her a ring with MOISSANITE. It looks like a diamond. It sparkles. It’s hard. And best of all, it costs 1/6 the price. Still too much? There's cubic zirconium. But be careful. She might see her ring on the Home Shopping Network.

3. Card tricks. “Roses are red, violets are blue, why buy a Hallmark when an e-card will do?” Tell her you didn’t want to wait for a traditional card to be delivered—your sentiments had to reach her with the speed of the internet.

4. Speaking, of roses… Don't buy a dozen when a single rose can be much more romantic. And 1/12th the price. To make an extra impact, recite this poem:

O, my luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I,
And I will luve thee still, my Dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

You even could try to pass this off as your own composition. But do it only if she’s never heard of Robert Burns and you typically speak with a Scottish accent.

5. Weekend at a luxury resort. Who needs cash? Just sign up for a time-share promotion. You’ll be whisked away to tennis, hot tubs…and a non-stop sales pitch. When she catches to what’s happening, don’t confess. Blame your travel agent. “This isn’t what I booked! Wait ‘til we get home, and I’ll straighten this out!”

5 Things Drivers Must Do To Save America
(or at least our sanity)

1. Stop calling from your car and then saying you can’t talk because you’re in the car
2. Stop calling from the car
3. Stop installing car alarms. No one hears them anymore
4. Stop tying king-sized mattresses on the roof
5. Stop gloating if you bought a hybrid

5 Movies To Fix America

Middle managers as heroes? We say "YES!"

Roll of vintage movie tickets Who keeps the place running? Who makes sure the REAL work gets done? Who might wear a tie, but is just as likely to roll up their sleeves and do the heavy lifting? That's right, the middle manager. Here are five movies that cheer for the white-collar working men and women who struggle to keep America on top.

5. GUNG HO! An oldie but a goodie. Against all odds, Michael Keaton gets the plant up and running.

4. THANK YOU FOR SMOKING This movie doesn’t blink. It celebrates great salesmanship with no apologies. Brilliant! Never got the credit it deserved. If you’ve ever worked in sales, you must see this movie.

3. OUTSOURCED Watch how the hero of this cute comedy learns to understand and motivate his staff. Very Smart.

2. OFFICE SPACE The ultimate fantasy movie for office workers. Hugely funny. Oh, pick up a red Swingline stapler, and put in on your desk at work. You’ll immediately become one of office cool kids, even if you’re the boss (click here for details: http://www.amazon.com/Swingline-Collectors-Business-Stapler-S7074736E/dp/B0006HUQZ6)

1. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN Middle management at its ultimate heroic best.

5 Things Men Must Do To Save America

(or at least our dignity)

1. Stop with the earrings Unless you're a pirate.
2. Stop with the tattoos Unless you're a Maori warrior.
3. Stop believing your waist is 10 inches below your navel just so you can wear your old 29-inch jeans

4. Stop saying "At the end of the day..."
5. Never "Tweet"

5 Ways To Cut Costs

Give your spending a vasectomy

1. Airline tickets. Everyone yaks about how you can save money on airfare. But how do you know what the ticket should cost? That’s where the website
Kayak.com comes in. It can give you a chart tracking the fare over a period of time so you can see how today’s price compares. It’s called the “fare history”. http://www.kayak.com/

2. Shop Supplies. You know that big, high-powered vacuum cleaner you have in your shop or garage? The one with those pleated paper filters that cost $15 apiece to replace? Well, you don’t have to replace them every time you empty the vacuum. Do what we do—hose the filter down to get off the dust and dirt. Let it dry in the sun, and reuse it. Each time you do this, it’s like putting 15 bucks in your pocket.

3. Discount Codes. You know how when you buy something online at checkout it says “Do you have a promotion or discount code?” We never have one. Here’s a website that can help. It’s www.currentcodes.com. It lists codes for discounts, free shipping, all sorts of deals. And it gives them to you by type of product or by merchant so it’s really easy. Everything from books to bowling balls and companies from Amazon to Zales jewelry.

4. Good Looks. If you’re spending too much on your beauty regimen—Those Advice Guys certainly are—financial guru Suze Orman has some ways to save on manicures and hair coloring. When you get your nails done, have them buffed—not polished—they’ll last longer. Color your hair? Don’t wash it every day. The less you wash it, says Suze, the longer it lasts. (And the less it disturbs the wildlife that lives up there.)

5. Bank Fees. You don’t have to be Suze Orman to know that you should avoid overdraft fees on your checking and debit-card account. But here’s a dirty trick a lot of banks use to hit you with as many overdraft fees as possible. They don’t pay the checks or debits in the order you made the purchases. Instead, they pay the big checks and debits first. The result: If your account runs short, you end up paying an overdraft fee on every small payment. So make sure you don’t spend money you don’t have.

5 Survival Tips

From Hell

Guess what's coming for dinner

War? Natural Disaster? Famine? Democrats in the Senate? Hey, anything can happen. And, according to survival instructor Cody Lundin, author of “When All
Hell Breaks Loose: Stuff You Need When Disaster Strikes,” there are simple--if stomach-churning ways to deal with it all.

1. Meet Your Meat. Short of protein? Lundin suggests stocking up on mouse and rat traps. “A simple and effective way to put fresh, nutritious meat on the barbie during the most austere conditions.”

2. Fight For Your Rat. Gross? You say? Not if everybody on your block wants a hunk of your Rodent Ragu. Lundin advises fighting off these hungry hordes with a rolled-up newspaper or magazine. Roll it really tight into a tube. Grab it with your striking hand. Let an inch or two stick out from your clenched fist. And whack your opponent in a “target area” such as the temple, jaw hinge, or eye socket.

3. Fire Up The Grill. Great! But how do I start the barbecue? With two flashlight batteries and a piece of steel wool. Put the batteries end to end—as they would be in a flashlight—and make the steel wool into a long, loosely packed strand. Put one end on the bottom of the batteries, the other end on the top of the batteries, and the steel wool will get hot. Hot enough to light paper or belly-button lint, or Michael Jackson’s hair. Volia! A barbecue!

4. Sleep It Off. Wow! After a rat feast like that, who wouldn't be ready for a nap? Don't have a sleeping bag? No worries! You can make one by putting one big plastic garbage-can liner inside another and stuffing the space between them with crumbled-up newspaper. (It sounds like newspapers DO have a future!). To keep moisture from building up inside, poke some holes in the inner liner.

5. Scare 'em Off! This improvised sleeping bag is also a great way to keep guests from ever wanting to spend the night at your home, disaster or not.

5 Worst Dog Names

Really bad real names

When it's time to name your new puppy, don't show how clever you are at the dog's expense. Even a hound news some self-respect, and he won't get it if you're shouting, "Here, Snoochie Poochie. Come on, boy!" (Even though that's what Obama calls Biden when Crazy Joe won't come in from the Rose Garden.)

We don't know what you should name your pooch, but we know what you shouldn't. Here are the 5 worst real dog names we've turned up:

1. Bobolina Pinky Poo

2. Doogie Schnauzer M.D.

3. Community College

4. Thunderpants

5. Speed Bump